the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
