How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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