okay pat passed out under dana's car
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
