do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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