i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
