If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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