I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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