dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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