How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
4 words: hood of his car
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
