There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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