I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
