Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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