we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
