Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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