I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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