we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
