if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
