My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
