We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
