Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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