you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
