Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
