hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
