so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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