if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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