Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
