Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
