He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
