In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
