You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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