I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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