You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
