I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's shark week go big or go home
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
