We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
