dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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