and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
