I just pynch a tree in the face
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
