Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I intend to get homeless drunk
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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