the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
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just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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