You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
