I wish I could teleport
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
