first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
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See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
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When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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