I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
