You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
