the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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