we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He passed out mid-signature
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
