How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
