What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize