And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
