If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
