that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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