winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
