but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
