Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
