I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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