I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
