I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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